Haiku Horoscopes

Either you are the
Greatest Of All Time or a
Mere tin can muncher

There’s nothing funny
About being a Libra
This week, believe me

An interest in
History begins when you
Are called the town bike

In mythology,
Sagittarius was a
Lot cooler than you

Every week I claim
You will suffer some dire fate
How’s that working out?

You will be shocked to
Learn that your whole life was just
A car commercial

You’ve got to admit
That you would try Soylent Green
If you had the chance

All your volunteer
Work is giving evil twins
A terrible name

Don’t count your chickens
Before they hatch sinister
Plans to dethrone you

Get ready for a
Week of flowers, sunshine, and
Morbid irony

In ancient times, seers
Said a lot of things, mostly
Bad stuff about you

It was a long week
But once again you’ve managed
To achieve nothing