Haiku Horoscopes

Perhaps a cubist
Representation of your
Penis is too much

Your website could use
More content that’s not photos
Of you holding cheese

There’s nothing funny
About a monkey forced to
Jockey a racehorse

Give peace a chance, and
While you’re at it sample this
New meat popsicle

You don’t need drugs to
Have a good time, just relax
And we’ll pull that tooth

Those crocodile tears
Aren’t fooling anyone—we
All know you’re upset

Shoes, ships, sealing wax—
This is going to be one
Boring discussion

The time has come for
You to take off and leave the
Walrus with the check

I don’t know what you
Have been told, but we do not
Sell meat popsicles

“Rocking for Jesus”
Could be fun if they toned down
The “stoning” portion

You will be shocked and
Appalled by an amazing
Assortment of hats

Simply your life
Do you really need eyebrows
And your self-respect?